I am not sure why I am writing tonight, or if I will even change my mind and make this post private...but I thought I'd give it a shot (xanga is becoming a dying art...I doubt this will even be read by many)

I came home this weekend.  I felt like for some reason I needed to get away.  Not like the "avoid-the-world-so-it-will-go-away" kind of flee.  More like I just wanted a chance to relax, to see my family, and to just enjoy having the most important thing on my schedule being dinner and a movie with my mom. 

Like I have mentioned before, when I come home, I think.  I think a lot.  Well, I think a lot anyways...but it's different here.  Something about being here makes me want to make sense of my life.  Maybe not even my life, just life in general.  It's not a bad kind of thinking (worrying, regreting, feeling hopeless about the place I'm in).  No, it is kind of pleasant in it's own little way.  Nostalgic...I think that's it........Nostalgia: : a wistful or excessively sentimental yearning for return to or of some past period or irrecoverable condition.  Yes, maybe that's it.  Sort of.  I don't really long to be back in this place.  I am very happy where I am right now.  I think if I yearn for anything, it's just to remember it all better.  I find it pretty crazy that 3/4 of my whole life now seems like a very distant memory.  I come back here, and it starts to return to me.  But it almost feels kind of skewed.  I can remember people, and places...but I can't really put my finger on feelings.  So much has changed.  I was talking to my mom today about the things going on in the lives of my younger siblings and thinking..."I remember being like that."  The thing is though, I hardly do. 

Then, I go to my best friend from high school's bridal shower today (hey Lisa, if you are reading this...it was great to see you!).  I found myself in shock as I actually experienced EMOTION.  New emotions like I had never even felt.  I remembered playing barefoot in the creek in the summertime till the sun went down.  I tried to remember all of those talks we had as 14 year olds about life, college, marriage, and having children.  It was harder to remember than I thought. It's like we are all moving at such a fast rate, that we forget to slow down and actually savor those moments in our life, and even when we do, once they are over...they are filed away...not to be visited very often.  Maybe that's what growing old feels like.  When you reach the end of your life, time seems to stand still, and all that you are left with is those memories.  Maybe then I will stop to think.  Or will they mostly be gone?  I hope not.

I am not trying to make this post sound cynical.  I think that might be how I come across when I am deep in thought (scary!).  I actually feel really....in awe.  I am in awe about so many things, and I feel pretty humbled at the fact that no matter where I have been, where I am now, or where I will be....that God sees it all.  He knows me.  He knows ALL of me.  He knows me from the beginning, and to the end.  He knows all of the little things I have forgotten, and all the things that haven't even happened yet.  He knows the plans that he has for me, and they are not to bring me harm, but to give me a hope and a future.  He knows my heart...what I like, dislike, and desire.  It's pretty profound to me. 

No, I am not worried about "figuring out" life.  Even if I could...I might not want to know.  I like being dependent on a faith that carries me through each moment.  It isn't always easy, but it keeps me humble.  I have come a long way in my life.  I still have a lot farther to go.  I feel content in the fact that He is growing me, and changing me, and molding me into exactly who I was meant to be.  That's it.  It is just LIFE.

This post has no "halmark card" resolve.  My thoughts are still going...but this is enough for now.  If you are still reading...thanks.  The end.